blast

maybe i wanna scream and yell and shout and swear

but i simply sit silent, expressionless and stare intently at the screen.

its one of those days. pretty crappy. feeling like no one cares anyway.

i don’t know very much more to say but a hi to old friends.

saying goodbye to a dear friend who’s going overseas to study

i hate goodbyes.

we’ve drifted apart, she’s got new good friends. it doesnt matter (i say) i feel myself running away, backing away because i don’t have better words to say.

well life may never be the same again. saw people who has things happened and they never were the same again. their former days of their prime washed away, their everything crumbled and it doesn’t seem like they will ever get back again. thats me being pessimistic maybe but its so real. no freaking person or thing in this world owes it to you to have your life smooth sailing and in order. and im feeling sore about it. bitter about it. angry. but God allows trials to shape us. preacher shared how he felt closest to God in his darkest time, why can’t I say that of me too. yet knowing that if i can trust the Hope of my life, the one who reminds me time and time again that He loves me unconditionally. the one who protected me & saved me by giving up His own life, even when i did not ask for it. that man, who became a man, giving up everything for me. i desire but fail to understand a love like that. i will never find an earthly parallel. a love so divine. everything this heart could ever want or need is found in it. stop looking at people or to people to satisfy. but don’t run away either.¬†

my strength may fail, but He is my strength and the hope of all hearts. the One who won’t turn me away even after I’ve doubted for the hundred and oneth time.

pre-churchcamp

im off to church camp tomorrow! Its marking the near close of the holidays, marking a year since we were supposed to meet and chat again. of since which i’d found myself just going downhill and in a mess. and its so hard to find the faith, but it has been bubbling up a little more like how boiling water produces little bubbles. you can kill me with the uncertainty, but certainly there is hope.

saya hampir tak mau tahan lagi, tapi kalau putus asa pasti aku menyesal selama hidupanku. tentu, kesedihan akan lewat, saya begitu harap secepatnya dan saya tak terlalu mengerti apa yang menghindari aku gembira lagi. dan tibanya saya mau menyalahkan orang di sekitar saya yg coba melindungi dan membantuku seperti mentor dan orangtuaku. tapi benar kesalahan mungkin dalam saya sendiri dan Tuhan mau menyalakan kelemahanku. banyak kali kelemahanku, saya tak cukup kuat Bapaku, Tuhanku. Saya mau menurut keinginanMu, saya pilih begitu. Kasih saya kepercayaan dan keberanian untuk menyerahkan semua-semuanya kepadaMu. saya tak mau tergantung diri, kesombongan lagi. tanpaMu, saya apapun tak bisa. Tapi, pasti ada sesuatu yang saya percaya salah. kebohongan yg saya percaya. Saya menyerah Tuhan, saya mau dgn gawat inginMu. Karena kehidupan yang tidak sesuai Tuhan saya tidak puas. saya tidak mau berpegang masa lalu lagi, saya ingat bawa saya adalah putriMu, anakMu, temanMu, pelayananMu, hidupku milikMu. Saya menyerah. menyerahlah. Bantu saya berdiri lagi, ku mau cintaMu lagi, di kasihMu lagi, punya sukacitaMu lagi. Tunjukkan padaku apa yang saya harus lakukan, Tuhan mau saya ke mana saja, saya ikut. saya mau ikut. saya menyerah kesakitan, masa depan, masa lalu, orang2 dari masa lalu, ketakutanku, kekuatiranku, keluarga yg saya akan ada atau tidak, teman2ku, laki-laki dari masa lalu, saya menyerah dan minta kejelasan, kebeningan dan kenyataan dalam hatiku muncul dan sesuai dengan hasratMu. Tuhanku. rajaku.

scrambled eggs

I’m scrambling
suddenly missing the past
wanting to grasp some remnants of it
so I look back & barely anything I find on this baby
no trace of you
some traces of me
my highest and lowest in a span of months
what went wrong
what happened?
I look at how time has flown by in pain
pangs
time is ticking
God
I need You
the aim is to let go of the past
but memories only mine to keep
the other side let them go
damn I’m not happy
yet somewhat hopeful
somewhat fearful
alone
not alone
in my head
don’t give up
do something
move forward
let go of the past
throw it away
maybe with nothing
will something be recreated
just take it all
fine
take it all
but I don’t know how I would take it
just take it all
take my life
it’s Yours anyway
it’s yours
I want to want what You want
how did I screw it up like that
scrambled eggs
beaten bacon
need orange juice
and baking powder in flour
to rise again
but stay in the oven
so it won’t deflate
sigh
I’m sorry
goodnight and goodbye

contiki

it’s been a year since I made my way halfway across the world for my big adventure.

2 may’s gonna be a date to remember.

2 May 2013 I flew to Europe
2 May 2014 I flew off a bicycle and got my arm in a cast.
2 May 2015 what’s up next? God make it better please.