Good Advice/ General Advice/ GA
don’t point fingers
don’t give excuses
don’t run ahead of the conversation. just answer and be in the present.
don’t need to win the argument
take a deep breath and speak slowly.
nothing else. thank you goodbye see you again in thirty four days time.
Really, if you dont know anything just dont say anything. dont be an asshole and pretend you know, assume you know and take my patience, tolerance and graciousness for granted. you crossed the line one too many times stupid ass. so i shall refuse to talk to you until my amger subsides. idiot. and you dont stop. relentless barrage of f-ing stupid nonsense coming from you. you know what i think? oh, no.. you dont care to know what i think. and if u dont care just shut up. you are selfish. amd childish. and really. i dont think u’ll miss me when im gone. good. i hope you get all thats coming to you. that you deserve amd that i always bore for you because its so easy for you to run off and also be defensive when you get the scolding. haha i am too nice, enduring all this shit for you. ya i know you do sometime too. you also fight for me, fight to defend me. but times like this i just wish you wont be such an annoying person. assuming this amd that and making things very very ugly. two strongheaded people not enough, now you’re making three and four of us. haha all hell’s gonna break loose if we allow it to. should we?
indeed anger stems from love. hurt from bitbeing mishandled and so pours out instinctly as anger. nobody said we can’t get angry. but it does say, don’t stay angry. well, learning not to react as well is important. today i had a well scripted negative demonstration of that in my own life. im not gonna make excuses and justify myself, im not gonna say i’m right nor do i feel i was wrong. i shouldn’t have reacted. i could have done better. but i did not. i let myself rage and be angry and i hurt the person that i initially started a conversation with out of love, because more and more unhappiness that was previously unaddressed and swept under the carpet was raked up. and even though there was truth in what i said, person could not accept it because of the way it was put across. so blunt and direct and accusatory. my confrontation became read as finger pointing because the accused tried to avoid the issue and focused on tiny details that were inconsequential. retarded. then, there always an opportune time for confrontation.. it was. okay. just something to note. glad it was through technology.. where i cam type and untype atrociously more accusatory and mean stuff. but i get to think twice and hold back. joys and woes of social media. its an outlet nonetheless.
so now i’ve calmed down, but i dont wanna see this person. we each need our own time and space to calm down. so i shall walk away. walk till i feel better. and then disappear for a month to which he said good riddance to me. brilliant. and he gets to be king of the world with me standing in his way and fighting with him. maybe he’s not so good with his words. so God please bless him with a kind and caring heart that actually shows. and for more patience and love. and i very much need to same too. to love and forgive this fella in my life. i can forgive because i have been forgiven. thank You for loving my Lord, sorry that my own show of love comes out so imperfectly. keep working on me! i know i’m hard work. but i know You are more than able to tame the wild horse in me.
what a crazy morning. losing water from the eyes makes me lose more water from my nose. how ridiculous.
gd morning Daddy God:)
thank God for ruth who reminded me to talk to you. i really don’t feel like opening my mouth, so write to You i shall.
i am overwhelmed. so many things to do. but i know i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
i have something that weighs so heavy on my heart. i’m learning to let go. yet my heart keeps wandering to solution solution solution. but the resolution is not simple and the commitment is for a lifetime. so emotionally draining. and nows not the time to fool around with scaring my parents just to keep identities under wraps as i have been trying so hard to do. i’m almost imploding from the stress and vagueness i have to upkeep. i need a safehaven. (nicholas sparks) speaking of which, i need to be careful of novels. i’m too easily influenced.. in good ways and bad.
guess i’m trying to find myself. and i look into everyone’s life and draw out bits that i want in me. yet, thats not really the right way. i need to look to jesus. gaze at him. stare at him, internalize him, how he looks, how he talks, how he behaves, the look on his face. his compassion, his grace, his joy, his sadness, his intimacy with the Father, his dependence on the Holy Spirit, his motives, his heart. his love, his desires, his ways. oh yes. thats the way to go. his way. not not mine.. but to align, re-align, his ways to mine. yep. more accurately, my ways to his. i re-align.. not him. gaze and meditate. let him in. let him stay. let him dwell. take His place. King of kings. Prince of peace. Lover of my soul. irreplacable, indescribable, awesome and mighty, amazing man of valor. sighs. if only i could linger forever in His presence. wait on Him. let strength arise from the depths of my heart. my refuge and my shelter. my present help in times of need. my desire. i desire jesus. lamb of God. counsellor. friend. beloved. i am His and He is mine. my banner. my provider, my redeemer, my saviour. my God.
much ado about nothing.
i wish.
with every suggestion, i actually act upon.. pronto. i really cant wait for all this to end. so my head says. i will do anything.. not too awkward to make this end. to make myself feel better, after making myself feel horrid. God forgive me for being this way. but thank You for teaching me.. so much. it sucks to be me when its happening.. but i am growing. slowly. surely. sometimes not so surely. painfully. excruciatingly. lovingly. distantly. somehowly. God please do Your thing.
okay, distracted. refocus focus.
Essential to-dos!
1 pack for europe
-essentials: passport, flight tic, contiki voucher, walletful of euros and pounds, debit card(s), cameras, chargers, duffel, waterproof bag, underwater camera, good shoes, socks, kindii, waterproof notebook, sharpies, ipad mini, sd cards, jacket, nuts for energy, waterbottles! powder, wetwipes, whistle, lighter, maps, spare phone. everything else can possibly be bought there.
2 pack first aid kit
3 pack my uni notes
4 pack my work stuff
5 pack stuff for friends in europe
6 pack stuff for friends back home
7 pack food for the go
8 pack the right currencies in
9 pack away stuff that bring back too many memories
10 change currency
11 change my hair (again)
12 change my heart oh Lord
13 charge all batteries and bring spares
14 charge up for the trip
15 charge the spare chargers
16 travel adaptor!
17 clear sd cards
18 fill micro sd cards – songs n sermons
19 fill waterbottle
20 buy vitamins
21 submit important overdue documents
22 pay bills
23 run mum’s errand
24 fix the car
25 fix (or throw away) the printer.
26 prepare for lesson & revision.
27 four more tuition sessions! almost there.
28 plan and handover to the three boys taking over – so i can leave in peace.
29 meet gugu to get warm wear (done)
30 meet cam to pass her polaroid film (after aug)
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 hopefully meet some of the friends i will miss when i’m gone (cannot be overambitious and meet all)
hmm. eliza (met! to do mindless data entry for tiffoo’s thesis – her data got wiped out!!! ) janine unifriends shuneh (met!) bird stacia (met!) cellgrp kxy xiaode sighpie.
41 ruth n sheila for sozo round two?
42 godma and godfamily? shucks have i even reported on this trip yet?! oh yes.. before it was confirmed. (Reported!)
43 research, read up and plan itienarary for the trip
44 book train to austria
45 check in for london-budapest flight
46 print easybus ticket
47 photocopy passport and impt documents
48 print boarding pass
49 apply for one more debit card
50 save contacts online
51 create online data storage accounts
52 submit mc to amore
53 exercise a little
slowdown pace of life
i wonder how. God give me supernatural strength.
countdown: seven days
the moment i awake, my brain goes into a frenzy. first thought: i’m up early today.. good morning jesus! (i almost yell it out loud)
what a great way to start the day. oh yea, i talked to jesus just before i slept too. im facing this.. head on.
but the moment good morning is over, day planning begins a “to-do” clockwork & weighing of prioirities as well as consequences to all my plans. and of cos.. of late – how what i do will affect my feelings – has been more evident than ever before.
so the clockwork begins turning, slowly at first then picking up speed. i go from excited to overwhelmed to protective to worried to helpless to guarded to surrender to worried and to sadness. #toomanymemories
i honestly cannot think of anything to do in the day without being reminded. why is this so tough. i am afraid i’ll do something stupid, get caught in a vulnerable situation. i truly am.. paranoid. and not without.good reason. yet, the paranoial is killing me cos..idk. cos i.. argh. i dont want to. i wanna be strong. but i need something. i need someone. i know i need jesus. and i’m still struggling to let Him in..completely and let Him take me over while i relinquish control. its a good thing yes, but its like the fricking scariest thing for me to do. and it makes me so afraid that my arms and legs turn to jelly and my heart pounds and slows down double time in both directions. and all i wanna do is lie in bed, feeling tired and weak and wanting to bury myself and disappear. from everyone around me, from all who care, from those who don’t care, maybe seem not to care.. oh, disappearing would really be easier..will it? left on my own, it probably another death to my soul heaped on by my own stubborness to open up.
what will happen when i do? i’m afraid that every last bit of strength and “bravery” in me will be sucked out. and i’ll be left hanging – high and dry, physically weak and exposed. i cannot think of a more embarrassing death. cos my brain will still be full functioning.. oh pride. God help me.
No wonder its been so hard. and i’ve been a whole lot more rebellious. Father, (oh shit this is crazy) take my pride. i want to exchange it for meekness and humility. i dont wanna care what people think anymore. not in a rebellious way, but in a human and humbling way. guard my heart Lord, put me in safe places. please Lord. i want to trust again that i’m safe..in your arms.
i dreamt again last night. i dreamt he came back, i dreamt the separation was over, he subtly came back in and i let him. it wqs a simplr as slipping a ring round my finger before i was his again :/
crazy.
but im not gonna start scolding myself this time.
its ok to hope and dream. its ok to be disappointed and hurt. its ok to lose control once in a while. its ok to cry and cry and cry, and be angry that nobody is around. but at the end of the day/time period, i gotta take stock and ask myself.. how much of what i say is true? how much of what i think is true?
i can assume and think amd speculate and imagine.. but what really is the truth? His truth. His perspective.
and His truth doesnt hurt..forever. it may hurt for a while. though it FEELS like it may never end.. thats really just emotions getting the better of you.
yesterday’s SOZO revealed alot about me even i never realised. why i pushed everyone out from my life yet still allowed myself to give all of me. i was spent. but it wasn’t the way i’m meant to be. i had nothing more to give. i needed to receive. i’m no superhero. just a small little me overwhelmed by big things that seem so big because i don’t know better. and until i give up my tight grip on everything and TRUST God to take over.. i struggle with that.. then i can flow and rest in Him.
So Dad, whats that watch/clock thing all about?
In Your time. unhidden. whats on the face. so vague yet so clear.
why does heartache seep into my stomach everytime and makes me wanna bend over, double down, squirm and curl up cos it wrenches my gut. too bad no slimming effects unless i lose my appetite more often. haha not like i care for it. it just hurts. ouch. treat it like a painful illnesses. it will go away. it can be healed. Jesus bore it all already. the price is paid. the medicine is love. and love covers a multitude of sins, love restores, love completes.
