i missed realising one full year has passed.
one year and three days later,
i’m just holding on to knowing that ny life is a finished story that God has already written – with its ups and downs all charted out in there. so i may not know whats going on, may have lost control but i am reminded that my Jesus is in full control. and im writing to remind myself when i forget that He is. and that He will never fail me.
thank You Lord for my dear friend who got me moving to get down to the edge conference though i wanted to hide in bed, and contemplated turning back all the way driving there. “pay the price, be there” You said. so seal it in my heart God.
when a sense of loss creeps in again
when i don’t feel so assured
You remind me that You give beyond what I deserve
and i simply want to fall in love with You again
so nothing else matters
but walking with You beside
finally spent a day out with mum and dad after a long time.
6 days since mission trip to philippines ended, 3 days till taiwan & i dont even know my finalised itinerary yet & just got a day added to the trip. my most important to do for before this trip: recover fully. forget training, just be well. rest rest rest!
feeling pretty off today.
disappointed as well.
you do what you can and it ain’t good enough. or you wish you could’ve done more on hindsight. you doubt your ability to do things well since you can’t even do it proper on a small scale. so you may not be as good as you’d like to think you are. and its a reality check or a perspective check. you thought you got it under control, you hate it when someone climbs over your head and you didnt stop it. and you hate anyone ever pushing you over. thats hardly ever happened. you try a little harder and realise thats not the point. but yet you cant not do anything. its just a little confusing, you wonder why you’re doing what you’re doing. is it even worth it. you realise that other things are not kept in check. certain things left alone too long. transitions happening. time to stop and think for a while. its not always fun and games, it may well be another distraction. how things have moved and changed & so have i. may not be the way i like it, some values need to be rediscovered, some discipline to be enforced. brainwork must get back on track, mental strength to be rebuilt. but beyond all that planning and contemplation, i know that amidst all this, i need to come back to the heart of things. set my heart in the right direction – thats gonna take some effort. God help me. its not so easy anymore – but i know that i wanna get there eventually. bit by bit. unclutter the clutter. there’s more to come.
o level chemistry last moments revision coupled with a brand new psle foundation science boy in the midst of prepping for a math-science eoy study prep camp was enough to spin some speedy science story into this math-ridden brain of mine.
so heres how the story goes.
two colliding Mr 12 boy particles decreases drastically the speed of reaction of learning because post collision, the concentration of attention span molecules have already reacted and it results in the formation of competition and distraction which for both work strongly in favour of D to the power of three. since the classes do not coincide, the K=PO nature of the new Mr 12 boy particle cannot sit still and often gives a lazy reply of dunno. thankfully, the catalyst to reducing activation energy was found in the form of a different learning environment for the particle who couldnt be contained – a little running and taking in the sights and smells and colours of the greenary around created some space to learn about leaf colours and shapes and prove that plants and grass are living things, how photosynthesis is actually photo-syn-the-sis not photo-sin-te(?)-sister. and chlorophyll really isnt cho-row-fil cos science words can really be such a pain in the ass. some leaves can look like fans and some walls can be painted to look like scales. sometimes a little table soccer’s a good break and all in all, when the brain’s saturated, enough’s enough. learning gels best with breaks, and when particles refuse to budge, spend the time well anyway:) primary school & solo is the best time to know a kid and u’ll be surprised how they tick
they say everyone knows something you dont. i cant agree more. i know nuts about vanguard.
behind a screen and a keyboard we can be so many things
but who are we really?
beneath those well thought through sentences, statuses and tweets loaded with leaks of what we truly mean. why cant we say what we truly mean? cos our first thoughts may not always be the nicest, filtered through, politically correct ones and nobody really needs to know what sparked it until u have properly thought it through and deem it appropriate to say. how i’ve been failing to give thought before i speak sometimes. the alternative, be silent. be careful what you say. it could be a lifetime (or week long) of repercussions.
and whats this about? i shall not say. its just. i dont even know why im so not in control anymore. less aware. what life does to you. i need a calm heart and mind and spirit.
aching aching aches are beginning to surface again
nows not the time, i need to focus on work at hand
i just want to curl up and sleep it all away
it will go away. it will, it will, with time.