in my head there are things i wanna do
but i dont do them – like making cards, meeting friends, getting a haircut. why? why have i been so passive and avoidant of everything! i dont even wanna look at my phone cos i dont want to have to make decisions or have expectations come my way.
i’ve been dreaming every night, living life out in my dreams and not in real life.

i missed realising one full year has passed.

one year and three days later,
i’m just holding on to knowing that ny life is a finished story that God has already written – with its ups and downs all charted out in there. so i may not know whats going on, may have lost control but i am reminded that my Jesus is in full control. and im writing to remind myself when i forget that He is. and that He will never fail me.

thank You Lord for my dear friend who got me moving to get down to the edge conference though i wanted to hide in bed, and contemplated turning back all the way driving there. “pay the price, be there” You said. so seal it in my heart God.

when a sense of loss creeps in again
when i don’t feel so assured
You remind me that You give beyond what I deserve
and i simply want to fall in love with You again

so nothing else matters
but walking with You beside

finally spent a day out with mum and dad after a long time.

6 days since mission trip to philippines ended, 3 days till taiwan & i dont even know my finalised itinerary yet & just got a day added to the trip. my most important to do for before this trip: recover fully. forget training, just be well. rest rest rest!

feeling pretty off today.

disappointed as well.

you do what you can and it ain’t good enough. or you wish you could’ve done more on hindsight. you doubt your ability to do things well since you can’t even do it proper on a small scale. so you may not be as good as you’d like to think you are. and its a reality check or a perspective check. you thought you got it under control, you hate it when someone climbs over your head and you didnt stop it. and you hate anyone ever pushing you over. thats hardly ever happened. you try a little harder and realise thats not the point. but yet you cant not do anything. its just a little confusing, you wonder why you’re doing what you’re doing. is it even worth it. you realise that other things are not kept in check. certain things left alone too long. transitions happening. time to stop and think for a while. its not always fun and games, it may well be another distraction. how things have moved and changed & so have i. may not be the way i like it, some values need to be rediscovered, some discipline to be enforced. brainwork must get back on track, mental strength to be rebuilt. but beyond all that planning and contemplation, i know that amidst all this, i need to come back to the heart of things. set my heart in the right direction – thats gonna take some effort. God help me. its not so easy anymore – but i know that i wanna get there eventually. bit by bit. unclutter the clutter. there’s more to come.